i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
