So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
