Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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