dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
