She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
