my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize