I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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