im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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