I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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