That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
