hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Enjoy the penises
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
