My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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