just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Randomize
