yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
