How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
