I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Randomize
