Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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