"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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