I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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