The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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