If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
