Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
