so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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