just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you had me at cake vodka
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize