I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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