my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
