hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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