I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
