Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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