Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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