At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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