do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
