I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
