Your tits are I can't wait for
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
