Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
