My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
