I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
