I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize