you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
