What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
