Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
