Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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