so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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