It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This is my gift to your gina
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
