The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
