just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize