Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
