theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
