can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
