I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
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