just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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