he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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