apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am midnight drunk by noon
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
