hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
