He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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