We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
