I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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