so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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