I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm both gender and math confused
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
