I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
