My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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