your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize