We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
