when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
