haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
